34-year-old boyfriend remains unemployed for 2.5 years despite girlfriend's urging, moves out when she snaps at him: 'You dodged a bullet'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 14, 2024 3:00 PM EST

Being unemployed is no walk in the park. It can do a number on your mental well-being and self esteem, not to mention your finances. When you can't find a job, you can feel like you have no purpose in life, that nobody wants you and you have nothing to offer. This, of course, isn't true, it's just straight up hard to find a job these days, but it plays emotional games with your head. And some people can find themselves in that rut for years, especially if their living situation is taken care of. 

Unemployment can also put a strain on your relationships. If you don't feel good about yourself, odds are your partner will have a hard time with that too. It's no fun to live with someone who has nothing going on in their lives. That's what happened in this story, when one man couldn't quite make things happen for himself. Read on for the story. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10427964928
    via Unsplash+ (Jordan González)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

  • 02
    AITA because I (f34) lost it at my bf (m34) who hasn't worked in 3 years, although he promised me he would go back to work fall 2023 when we first started dating
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 03
    We have been together for 2.5 years. For the last year we lived at his apartment while he paid mortgage out of his savings and I paid for our groceries + eating out. He played video games every day 6-12 hrs, while I worked full time. He was a great boyfriend, we rarely fought. I loved him and treated him dearly.
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 04
    When fall 2023 rolled around he said he was not ready to go back to work and would apply spring 2024. I told him that I don't think it's a good idea to wait this long because 2 years off work is a long time, management can forget him or move around. Also it was very upsetting that he didn't follow through on his word. March 2024 he did apply for a position but the company retracted it. He waited 8 months for
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 05
    another position to pop up. While he was waiting I started to get worried and asked him multiple times to find a job meanwhile he waits, or perhaps take some courses just in case he will not get the job. I politely expressed MANY times that I have anxiety about our future because I want to buy a house, start a family, biological clock... you know.
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 06
    Every time I expressed my anxieties he either got upset with me (because I "didn't believe in him") or ignored me. Last few times I expressed my worries he straight up told me to bite my tongue. As you can imagine I was getting more and more hurt with time because he acted like my opinion/feelings don't matter. It is now the end of fall 2024 and he still has no luck with this company and does not want to work anywhere else.
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 07
    Last week we learnt that the company didn't hire him for another position, and we cannot get preapproved for mortgage because he doesn't have an income. He was crushed that he didn't get the job, and I was very upset that he didn't listen to me.
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 08
    On top of this It was a rough week: we were moving, I had a bladder infection, learned that I had to rehome my dog due to my allergies, got my period and was still going into work every day. I am usually a very calm person but I had absolutely lost it at him. I yelled and told him that I am losing my respect for him, losing my attraction because all he does is play video games all day and he has 1 month to get a job or we are done.
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 09
    Next day I came home from work and the first thing I did was apologize for my behavior. I told him I was very ashamed of how I treated him and wish I could take it all back. He then told me he is breaking up with me because "I wasn't there to support him when he needed support the most" and then moved out. Am I the a h le here?
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 10
    00 inturnaround 11h ago. • NTA. You said what you needed to say. He's just really good at bullshitting his way out of your dog house while nothing gets done. Look, he's not going to get a job anytime soon because why should he? You are paying all the bills aside from the rent. You're the one putting in most, if not all, of the effort. Let me guess, you still do most of the housework while he plays video games all day, right?
    via u/inturnaround
  • 11
    There's a worse feeling than being alone. It's feeling alone with someone you wasted your time on. Move on. The month won't make any difference except maybe some lip service from him. He's already shown you he's really not all that motivated to be a full partner in your relationship.
    via u/inturnaround
  • 12
    Ok-Background-2330 OP.11h ago. Thank you for your reply. I do agree with your and that's how I've been feeling for awhile now. To make sure I am not biased though: He did do majority of the housework and walked my dog when I was at work. Everything else was pretty even in the relationship. But I did have to put my foot down at one point that I come first before the video games, and we had to schedule our hangouts around his games.
    via u/Ok-Background-2330
  • 13
    SpiritSylvan • . 9h ago Edited 9h ago • I'm so sorry that it took so long to realize, but you had to beg to come first, you never came first. He didn't want a wife, he wanted a mother. "He did most of the housework" is great if that was your original agreement, if you guys planned for him to be SAH because you made enough alone. You did not agree or plan for that. He only did housework to do the bare minimum to keep you hooked, at least that's how I'm reading it. Again comparable to a more mothe
    via u/SpiritSylvan
  • 14
    Laines_Ecossaises 11h ago • NTA You probably can't see it now but you dodged a bullet. He quit, and only wants to get re-hired at the same company? Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. You know what kind of man you want to be with (not a deadbeat) and he no longer is that man. I do wonder why he moved out of his condo though.
    via u/Laines_Ecossaises
  • 15
    • ApprehensiveBook4214 10h ago • YTA to yourself. He's been telling you who he is the entire 2.5 years you've been together. You're just focused on who you want him to be and ignoring who he is. Decide if this relationship is one you want to be in. If not move out asap, before he runs out of savings and you have to pay for everything.
    via u/ApprehensiveBook4214
  • 16
    Jerseygirl2468 · 11h ago • NTA dude was de d weight. He'd only work for ONE company, that repeatedly declined to hire him? He spent all day for 2+ years playing video games? The only proactive thing he ever did was move out. Consider yourself lucky he did. You deserve better.
    via u/Jerseygirl2468
  • 17
    Iwillard1214 · 11h ago. . My husband quit his job in 2008 because he didn't like it. In 2015 he (my ex at that point) di d, never having worked again. He had decided that since we were making it work on my salary there was no point in him working. He's showing you exactly who his is, OP.
    via u/Iwillard1214
  • 18
    Accomplished_Pea2556 • 11h ago NTA ... But I do think you're better off apart, you seem to have unaligned work ethic, which would lead to much more resentment down the lines as things get progressively harder.
    via u/Accomplished_Pea2556
  • 19
    Winter_Raisin_591 · 11h ago • ESH You: for staying with - someone who was taking advantage of you and you allowing it. Him for being a trifling I who played in your face and left when he didn't feel supported even though you've been doing that for some time now. Stay single for a while. Work on that self esteem.
    via u/Winter_Raisin_591
  • 20
    Jurassic ParkFood • 11h ago ESH - he's got no interest in working. But this was clear YEARS ago, and you've rolled with it for a long time. He's not changing. Stop yelling and move on
    via u/JurassicParkFood
  • 21
    * Pleasant-Dust6668 . 10h ago. One day someone needs to explain to me what is so attractive about an unemployed 34 year old man who plays video games all day. Question-Are you 100% sure he actually applied to his old company or did he just tell you that. My bet he has been lying to you. Because sponging off of you is so much easier than working.
    via u/Pleasant-Dust6668
  • 22
    But it does not matter because he is gone and you are so much better off without him. Please do not fall into the "any man is better than no man" trap. Had a friend who fell into this trap and she nearly lost her life. As others have said please work on your self esteem NTA
    via u/Pleasant-Dust6668

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